My Truth
Last night while FaceTiming with my best friend, the woman who married my husband and me, I confessed to trolling the NYT Best Sellers list. I felt guilty about wasting time on TikTok, endlessly scrolling through “she sheds” and “things that just make sense in my Japanese style home.” I needed book recommendations. As I scrolled through The New York Times I read each blurb below the cover as if it were written for me. I wanted one to really speak to me. This is what I chose:
“The activist and public speaker describes her journey of listening to her inner voice.”
Stefanie and I. Being our truest selves.
It spoke to me because I am constantly struggling to live my truth. The struggle exists because I don’t think I actually know my truth. What does that even mean? I hear it often during yoga. It’s preached during Peloton rides and my Peloton status is even “be true.” Which is the opposite of truth because, again, I don’t know what that means.
The blurb under the book cover on NYT Best Sellers describes the book “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. I immediately downloaded the sample on my Kindle. I do this before committing to buying a book. Which I guess is part of my truth. After reading the sample I bought the book. I am a third of the way through. I cannot put it down, which doesn’t happen often. The last book I couldn’t put down was “Sweetbitter.” Don’t judge me. That’s my truth. I like books about love and struggle.
Let’s flashback real quick to 2001, senior year of high school, blasting Linkin Park or something that sounds exactly like them, smoking Marlboro Ultra Lights, blowing the polluted air out of my lungs, through my Jetta car window out into the world like it was some gift. I felt rebellious. I applied and got into a program for fine and performing arts for creative writing which required me to drive from my high school a half-hour away to another high school. I had permission to leave school in the middle of the day which was special. I could feel the envious eyes of my classmates burn through my back as I exited the building, making my way to my car, flying off into the distance to the place I really belonged. A group of misfit girls who loved to write.
I keep wondering if that’s my truth. Writing.
I graduated high school and continued to study journalism and creative writing. I attended graduate school in London focusing on fashion journalism and then… nothing. Writing left my life. My truth became buried by stereotypes and supposed tos. I was supposed to get a job that paid well. I was supposed to work somewhere that could give me a real future. Writing isn’t a real career. Did I want to struggle?
Maybe the issue was that I didn’t know what to write. Did I really want to write about fashion? My truth is that I want to write about my life. I want to write about love and loss. I want to write about struggles and epiphanies.
What scares me from my truth is judgement. My truth will be exposed. I will be seen. They will call me out and make fun of me. I am scarred from being bullied. I have let it silence me for 20 years. What a waste.
I realized very recently that the benefit to being seen is being heard.
Which also the biggest deterrent.
So this book… “Untamed.”
It’s about “knowing.” Well, it’s about a lot things but my big takeaway, so far, is the “knowing.” Knowing what to do and how and when to do it. Trusting your gut and moving forward even though you may feel like you’re going to throw up. Not caring about judgement or reassurance or anyone else’s opinion. Sounds terrifying. I may throw up from thinking about it. It’s about defining and owning your truth.
I created this blog as a place to share consumption. That’s part of my truth. Generally, I like to try new things. I love trends. I bought a facial toning device today for $380, on sale. My truth is I love self-care. And money. I just judged myself. This is hard.
My point. I may be seen and if I’m seen I may be heard. And if I’m heard I may become confident. I will be stronger for it. Writing is what has always driven me, inspired me, and made me feel like I am living my best life. When I write I feel accomplished even if no one reads my words.
I don’t know how to end this post and it doesn’t matter. What’s true is that I wrote it and it made me feel good. I feel closer to my truth.
Needless to say, I am grateful for my best friend and “Untamed.” Here we go.
